A Letter to My Younger Self

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I was in the past while grappling with self-doubt. While reading books on relationships and self-help, I stumbled upon this excersize of writing to your younger self — and more importantly, to your inner child. Basically, the excersize involves looking at pictures of your younger self being happy and care-free while trying to be the same level of condescending and self-blame that you enact on your current self. When I recall my childhood, the sentiments that pop up are primarily those of anguish, and current events have revealed that I still have attachment wounds, so this one goes out to younger me.

Dear Younger Sammi,

I wish I told you that I loved you more. I wish I had the capability to do so — the ability to step outside of myself and see that my face shape didn’t matter that much, and that people didn’t care as much as I thought they did.

I regret hating you so much. Whenever you stared into the mirror, all you could do were criticize your features — the way your eyes weren’t big enough, the way your head seemed big, the way your face seemed disproportionate and asymmetrical.

I wish I saw how beautiful you were, and I should’ve pushed you to realize it. The way your smile lights up a room, or the way your eyes shone bright with passion and curiousity for the world. The way you try to listen to other people’s stories with empathy because you yourself went through so much hurt. You’ve got so much ahead of you — you’ll start and join amazing teams, finally pick an area of specialty and stick with it (dance), and you’ll inspire lots of people (without even realizing it).

Of course, the future is not without hardships either. You’ll face some hard breakups, set backs, and failures, but have faith that you’ll get through it all and come out even stronger.

I wish I had told you to look less at others for reassurance but more to yourself — that peace and security you’re looking for, it’s within you. You don’t need to make your parents proud or do some crazy shit in the world, you just need to make who you are proud. One day, you’ll look back and realize how much self-awareness and drive you’ve gained.

Those numbers — whether those on your report card or those on your social media — I know you’ve faced a lot of hardship in trying to be someone else. To try to be the “nice” girl or the “popular” girl because you have yet to find yourself. But I want you to have more trust in yourself because life is about not necessarily finding yourself but crafting yourself. You have amazing skills and talents — being on almost every school team possible, you’ve proven yourself to have both creative, athletic, analytical, and expressive skills.

I hope you can believe in yourself more. Because you can do it. And you will do it — only if you let yourself though. Stop asking and waiting for others to give permission, and start giving yourself permission.

Granted, your current experiences are very much valid. The pain you’re feeling, and the insecurities accompanied with it, is understandable and natural. You’re going through a lot and figuring out yourself. The pain is necessary as you leave behind limiting beliefs and find more freedom in being yourself unapologetically, but I just want you to know it’ll all be okay in the end.

So, just enjoy where you are at now. Play more and explore more while you have the chance and environment to do so. Run wild with your dreams and questions — one day, you’ll be lost in the voices of others, so try to hear yourself out while there’s not as much white noise.

Cherish where you are in life because it doesn’t come back.

Love,

Your Future Self (in 2022)

Back to the Present

It’s interesting because, as I was writing this letter to my younger self, it’s hard to separate my younger self from my inner child. I very much still have some of these wounds and insecurities — e.g., concerns over body image/shape, fear of abandonment, overemphasis on opinions of others. Self-confidence doesn’t come easy and grief/healing is not a linear cycle.

I hope to remind myself of these things even in the present: building an internal locus of control, trusting and giving permission to myself, worrying less and exploring more. There’s so much out there, and it’s understandable to get bogged down by my own thoughts, but it’s certainly not ideal.

To my present self: Work for what you want. Work hard for it. Don’t be afraid to chase after things boldly and daringly, as you have been. But also, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Put yourself first and listen to your gut (when the situation calls for it). You’ve got this <3